I realize I’m a little late to the game in posting here… the holidays are hectic, okay? Anyway, before the season premiere of The Bachelor on Monday night, I made a spreadsheet of all of the contestants and my first impressions of them because my friends and I are doing a bracket and taking it VERY seriously.
Stay tuned for my recap of the premiere… I’m not really keen on adding Hannah B. to this list.
San Antonio, TX | Miss Texas 2019, Orthodontist Assistant
Took her four tries to get Miss Texas, so she’s persistent… will probably start drama. Also an English major, AKA has no idea what to do with her life.
Fort Worth, TX | Cattle Rancher/Model
She basically thinks she’s Hannah Montana, being a country girl cattle rancher by day and a model “city slicker” at night. She thanks her cows after milking them… not sure what I’m supposed to do with that information.
Chicago, IL | Esthetician
Outspoken tomboy hipster and probably lives in Wicker Park. She’ll be the one calling chicks out and talking smack to the camera. I like her.
Venice, FL | Cosmetologist
We’ve all said it but WTF is a “Florida girl through and through”?! She also LOOKS the oldest of all the girls (no offense but it’s true). Regardless, she’s into men who wear cowboy boots who are athletic, and have great smiles and can make her laugh. I’m pretty sure Peter doesn’t fall in with the first half of that…
Plano, TX | Home Care Coordinator
Ok… She likes to bar hop in Plano? Huh. She also loves the spotlight but has 10 siblings, so we all know she’s gonna start some shit in the house. She’ll stick around but not because Peter likes her, because she’s good for TV.
Chicago, IL | Flight Attendant
She was a sorority party girl who considers herself “reformed” so I hated her before the whole “loves Christmas music” thing. She also does a “ponytail helicopter” dance move which is just really obnoxious.
Hannah Ann, 23
Knoxville, TN | Model
She might get eliminated just for her name. She also lives with her parents and doesn’t have a real job. She’s probably just on the show to get picked up by HGTV. Peter, boring as he is, can definitely do better.
Mesa, AZ | Flight Attendant
She got divorced at 22, so I’m sure she makes great decisions in her love life. Her bio is the most boring one yet.
Houston, TX | Client Relations Manager
Everything about this girl screams “nice” so she’s probably perfect for Peter. They can fall in love and have boring kids together and play at the park with her weirdly named dog.
New Lenox, IL | Nursing Student
She’s a nursing student in bumblefuck, IL where there isn’t even a real university and she gets “really good” advice from her goldfish, George. Yawn.
Kennesaw, GA | Nanny
Both of her last relationships ended because of “trust issues” so someone probably cheated… I’m sure she’ll do great dating a guy who is also dating 29 other girls.
Chicago, IL | Pro Sports Dancer
LOL Katrina is a Luvabull but also works at Staples. She has a hairless cat named Jasmine, so we already know she’s crazy. Her NBA profile has some cheesy long-ass quote I didn’t read, so she likes to pretend she’s “deep” and thoughtful but is actually just another dancer. Giordano’s is her favorite food in Chicago though, so she’s okay in my book.
Chicago, IL | Attorney
She’s allergic to gluten so I automatically hate her. She may or may not be smart, but since she’s a lawyer she’ll at least argue like she is and “hates when people don’t listen to her” so if she doesn’t start the fights, she’ll definitely finish them.
Des Moines, IA | Professional Clothier, Former Miss Iowa
THIS IS NOT A REAL JOB. She also lives in one of the most un-fashionable states in the country, so who TF does she think she is? She also indicates that she’s not looking for drama, but describes her personality as feisty and stubborn, so she will probably be the first to start a fight.
Santa Monica, CA | Entertainment Sales
Kylie is CRAZY. Her last relationship ended three years ago but her goal is to be married and with a kid (on the way) in one year.
Glendale, CA | Marketing Executive
I can’t wait until Peter doesn’t give her a rose and she conducts his exit interview.
New York City, NY | Marketing Coordinator
Lexi thinks dating as a ginger is hard and maybe it’s the lighting, but she definitely highlights or colors her hair somehow, so her statement is automatically not credible. I automatically hate her because I hate other gingers, especially gingers who aren’t really gingers and claim to be. Also, I don’t think dating as a ginger is any more difficult than dating as any other hair color… there are plenty of men who love red heads; the same way that “gentlemen prefer blondes.”
Auburn, AL | Foster Parent Recruiter
Her favorite book is the Bible and wants a guy who puts “faith and family above everything else” so I’m sure she’s just a ton of fun. She also wants to open an orphanage one day, so she’s either crazy or she’s actually a pretty good person.
Atlanta, GA | Patient Care Coordinator
This chick wants to move quick… she broke up with her boyfriend because he didn’t want to get married as soon as she did but other than that, had an average high school experience where she felt insecure about her weight. Yawn.
San Francisco, CA | Flight Attendant
She comes from a family of flight attendants, which I actually find really bizarre. She also looks like a stereotypical flight attendant. Other than that, she’s pretty basic.
Langley, BC, CA | Fashion Blogger
At first I was like “yay, Canadians are so nice!” but then I saw her “occupation.” A fashion blogger who claims to be more than just a pretty photo? Somehow, I doubt it.
New York City, NY | Event Planner
She’s the oldest of the crew but she seems just as naive as the young’uns. Seems pretty basic except for wanting to pioneer a “disco yoga” fitness movement… actually I take that back, still pretty basic.
Wellesley, MA | Business Development Rep
She trusts some random DM on Facebook about being her sibling? Maybe she should get a DNA test. She seems kinda dumb TBH but she does have one of the more normal jobs, so maybe she’ll surprise me.
Knoxville, TN | Medical Radiographer
The writers couldn’t think of anything more interesting to say about her other than Southern Belle (gag) and likes cooking and EDM. I’m sure she’ll make it far.
Houston, TX | Realtor
OK is it just me, or does she look creepily like Hannah? And why did she get a cancer ribbon removed for cheer tryouts? I don’t get her.
Las Vegas, NV | Administrative Assistant
Traveling to foreign countries isn’t exactly a hobby, but nice flex Shiann.
Birmingham, AL | Retail Marketing Manager
She likes to plan fantasy vacations with her future husband and her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day, so she’s probably a psychopath. Do any of these girls have any depth at all?!
Syracuse, NY | House Flipper
Apparently, she’s “in the process of taking over the world”… as a house flipper? And all the guys her age are intimidated by her ambition. I mean I’m all for feminism, but that seems a bit dramatic. So does going to every high school wrestling practice until she was accepted on the team. All that said, she ended her last relationship by GHOSTING, so how bad ass is she really?
Victoria F, 25
Virginia Beach, VA | Medical Sales Rep
She wants a guy who is in touch with his feelings and isn’t afraid to cry in public, so Peter might actually be perfect for her.
Victoria P, 27
Alexandria, LA | Nurse, Former Miss Louisiana
If there is anyone in the world who LOOKS like a Victoria, it’s this bitch. TBH I kinda respect her RBF and the fact that she’s the only one whose family story has some depth to it (drug addiction, dead parents, etc.) but she’s afraid of chicken being served on the bone?